Letter 13 What is a Toxic Relationship

My dear Thinette

How was your day yesterday, did you get spoiled? Hope you enjoyed every minute and felt loved, special and cherished?

To have a good relationship is a blessing and not everybody has it, at the same time it does not happen all by itself, it is hard work to have a happy one my dear. People’s behavior and attitude can have a bad and devastating influence on a good healthy relationship, all is not what it looks like my love. You have to give it lots of thought and dedicated attention. Be aware of bad relationship signs, recognize and set yourself free, move on and find your special one, if you can’t come to an agreement.

When you realize you are not happy, go to your quiet place sit in solitude, analyze and re-think, is this a bad relationship? Analyze and find what might be the problem stealing your happiness.

It is inevitable that certain events will have an effect on a relationship, so keep in mind a new job, moving house, death in the family or moving town etc. will not always have a positive influence on a relationship. If it is not the case you have to look at the different behaviors and why is it happening.

A gigantic maze with highlights

All relationships go through a testing period, a maze of trial and error with some heavenly highlights. Do not commit too soon, give it space and time, take a back seat and let it simmer, all the harming differences will surface in time.

There is a saying that goes … You are a whole person, a full circle, your comfort zone within which you do all, in other words you have your known pattern how you live and it is the same for everybody.

The moment you meet someone you think is special, you tend to break that circle to adapt to the new situation. It is during this period you both try to form your unique combined circle. Now is the time it will show if there will be a possibility to be happy together or not. It will only happen with time after the excitement is over and all turns to normal, then it will show.

Trying to force the circle’s ends to meet is a big mistake because if this new circle is under pressure it will crack, break loose and both of you will go back to your original pattern. It is then when differences and unhappiness occur if you commit too soon.

A bracelet of precious pearls. full circle.

Make sure to have a new combined circle of precious gems before you commit.

You have to be aware of the next examples with signs which will be the cause of toxic behavior resulting in unhappiness you should recognize and avoid.

Toxic Relationship Signs

Unhappy in Relationships

  • Domination. One person wants to rule and run every situation in a relationship, make the other partner feeling trapped and powerless. Never put a collar around your neck and hand the other person the leach. In a healthy relationship everything is done equally. It is a 50/50 union, making both feel free and strengthen the power of the relationship.

  •  Dependency. Depending on your partner, making him responsible for all that is happening in your life is a very bad idea. You can never expect him to be responsible for your happiness, it place such a burden on the relationship and you become a liability. Get up, and get a life of your own!

  • Become financially independent, have your own friends and activities, fill your own life. Be happy and be worthy as a full partner in a relationship.

Remember 50/50.

  •  Blaming. When his or her past bad behavior is used to justify righteousness in a present situation is not so good. Using mistakes from the past and “I told you so” is part of manipulation, having a negative effect. If you do not acknowledge the past with its mistakes then you do not accept the person. Don’t shift the blame to manipulate your partner. You are not flawless either. Let bygones drift under the bridge and relax.

  • Old Baggage. Be ready before you go into the next relationship. Everybody deserves a fresh new start. Do not drag old baggage with bad memories and resentment into a new relationship. Take time to work through the past, take what you can learn from it and get rid of the rest. You have to heal yourself first before embarking on a new relationship. Be a new YOU when meeting your new friend.

Lady with baggage

  • Lies Lies Lies. When a person lies it is the worst that can happen in a relationship. Trust is one of the four important cornerstones of a happy and healthy relationship. When someone is lied to, it takes time and willingness to restore the trust. Trust me a lie has always the tendency to surface at the worst moment you can imagine and it will surface, mostly with a slip of the tongue. If you find a person is lying to you, speak up and let them know you know. It is another form of manipulation and brainwashing. Forgiveness and reconciliation can not start until the truth is spoken.

IF YOU TELL THE TRUTH YOU NEVER HAVE TO REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID

  • Lack of Forgiveness. Lack of forgiveness and lack of willingness to rebuild trust is a sign of resentment. Many long term relationships suffer from broken trust at some point, it is essential to know it can be repaired, both partners have to be willing though. It is a mutual effort with hard work to restore trust. Find a new set of rules for behavior and stick to it, it is a painful process to lay a new foundation to build trust on.

  • Passive Aggression. What is passive aggression? This behavior is described as a non verbal negative quiet way to express anger. Instead of communicating and discussing a problem, the person normally becomes sarcastic and find ways to sting a partner as punishment until they get the attention they demand. Normally this happens when a partner feels insecure to discuss an issue openly. In a discussion make sure one does not get the blame, being held responsible or feel obliged to any ideas or opinions expressing by the other. There must be a feeling of frankness to speak their mind in a mature way, come to a compromise.

  • Emotional Blackmail. A partner normally does this to manipulate. They want you do act against your will to suit their needs. To avoid the penalty they impose on you, you will give in to let them have their way. There should be a safe platform built into the relationship to prevent this and to solve any differences. Manipulation is not the way.

  • Mother with baby in a stroller
  • No Time for Your Relationship. Spending time together is the backbone of every relationship. If it is neglected the relationship will eventually fall apart. If he is forever out with his friends or a workaholic and never has time for you, or you keep busy with the kids and do not give him any attention is a recipe for failure.

A relationship is a living working entity on two legs. It requires dedication and quality time spent together on a regular basis. For a relationship to flourish you both have to nourish it with lots of tender loving care. A very important fact is to spend time together every week.

Image of a couple kissing in the moonlight

Set one night apart from you schedule and dedicate the time to each other.

  • Being yourself is not possible in their presence. You have no confidence and feel uncomfortable in the other partner’s presence. You can never speak your mind or feel at ease, because you are not accepted for who you are. In the end the rift gets bigger.

  • Self Centered Partner. Everything is just about them, their belongings and their ways. There is no space for anything else. Being single minded is a very selfish characteristic and definitely not a game player.

  • Being Right all the Time.  Only his or her ideas and suggestions count, your ideas always get overruled. When your partner mocks you, puts you down as not good enough, never doing anything right is also a form of manipulation. It makes you feel inferior and incompetent.

  • Image of negative words, bad,no-good, careless, stupid etc
  • None of your talents or achievements get recognized, it only receives negative criticism. You are not free to improve or develop your qualities as a person. No encouragement or support only disbelieve and mockery with all your attempts to get a independent individual. Preventing you to from gaining your independence is a deal breaker.

  • No good Memories. It is hard to enjoy happy good moments with your partner. It feels like a chore and a challenge, their controlling ways becomes unbearable.

  • The Deal Breakers

  • Alcoholic drinking from a bottle.
  • An Abusive Partner and Alcohol. This is a tough one my darling and one I hope you will never come across an abusive alcoholic or drug abuse partner. You get a mental or psychological and a physical abuser. Some of the mental or psychological abuse characteristics are already mentioned above but the physical abuser can be a killer. He does not make threats only, he goes into action.

  •  Whenever he gets opposed he wants to destroy every one and everything in his way, and normally does, saying afterwards he can’t remember. It is not worth staying in such a relationship my dear. Get away safely and never go back. He will tell you with the best promises it will never happen again and want you to believe him, but you have to  make me a promise, you will never go back again. Rather disappear, change name, address and country.

  • Stealing. When you find out he has a habit if stealing, pack your bags and go my love. He might be a white collar fraud hiding it from you. Someone who steals on any level are a weak person and does not deserve you. He will never change. He also will make promises and promises, but it stays “NO DEAL”

The characteristics of a relationship is so dynamic it sometimes blow your mind. There are many aspects to take into consideration to be happy. You can see it takes time to really learn to know a person and his true character.

It is not and overnight starry eyed instant happening, there are to much at stake. Making sure to find true happiness you have to find someone with the same value system as you my dear. Take your time, it is of the essence.

Do you know who have some of these bad relationship signs in your group of friends?  Recognize and set yourself free when you spot these bad toxic signs, it cause problems in any relationship? Open your eyes and be aware of who and what that person really is. It will save you lots of heartache. You deserve a happy relationship my dear,

Stay alert, know who  your ‘enemy’ is and steer away from them .

Love you

Ganny Stella

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