Letter 6. The Secret Language of Relationships


Tips for a Good Relationship.


Dear Thinette

Am I ready to met my perfect match?

When going on a date you always make sure to look your best. Hair clean and shiny, nails well groomed, stylish clothes  for the occasion, butterflies in your tummy making the moment perfect. That is the glossy outside, what  does your inside looks like?

Are you an unorganized mess, tangled thoughts, a knot of stress and a turmoil of emotions? What if you can feel inside just as well groomed as outside. Calm, happy and all your emotions under control.   

We are going to try our best … talk about the secret language of relationships and the managing there of. How to be ready to meet your special One. It is a mix of reality and emotions and hard to separate.

To have a successful relationship you have to be a strong individual, emotionally and financially independent, happy and content within yourself. If not, all relationships will fail or be a disaster.

I am sure you will find  your perfect match with these tips for a good relationship, you will know the secret language of relationships.


Unhappy woman shouting

Have you seen women crumbling under pressure, losing themselves and becoming hysterical? It is never good to see when a pretty woman loses control, panics and shouts? It is very humiliating.


To become an emotionally strong woman you need to change your mindset and never feel the victim. Have a balanced outlook and distance yourself from the problem, looking at it from the other side of the fence.

How to handle a traumatic negative experience as a strong women.

Crying and heartbroken

To over come Trauma

  •  Pull the covers over your head and give yourself permission to feel upset and sad.

  • Cry your eyes out to release the tension, feel sorry for yourself.

  • Try to accept what has happened.

  • In the end everything happens for the best, though now it looks like the end of the world.

  • Don’t take for ever to recover.

  • Analyse and acknowledge the facts my darling, then begin the recovering process as soon as possible.

  • Get over it, life is too short to waste time.

A relationship that makes you feel sad and upset most of the time, is not worth it.

 Change to your survival attitude.

Realize something much better will come out of this and this wonderful thing might be waiting right around the corner.

Get yourself up and going, be ready for the next exciting experience.

Dig deep and find your silver lining, start making positive declarations and move on.


•  Never act out of desperation. Do not act crazy or do silly things. Keep yourself together and try to act calm and normal, though you don’t feel like it.

• Listen to your intuition it will never fail you. You might have your solution right there.

• Do not get jealous, it does not become you and is never an answer to a lost or fading relationship. Move on.

Image of a green jealousy devil

• Hold on … have faith in yourself … EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY!

• Remember all has a purpose and in the end you will benefit from it.

Surrender to what has happened. You can not change it.




Thinette looking mysterious with cat

To become a mysterious, magnetic, beautiful extraordinary woman is the secret to catching the eye of a special man. It is time to clean out old useless habits making you one of the flock. Here are a few new habits making it possible.

To have Confidence is very important. Confidence comes with knowledge.  Make it your mission to know as much as you can, without arrogance.

Girl walking tall with confidence 

Walk tall with long strides, hold your head high with an air of confidence. Being poised and calm, oozes confidence.

Feel the Goddess you are!

Become a good listener. Look the person in the eye and focus on what he says, give comments to make sure you understand what the meaning of the conversation is.

A couple talking and being good listeners

Really be interested in him or her and give them your full attention. Never interrupt.

Remember my dear, people will always remember how you make them feel. They will remember  your reaction when seeing them and how you make them feel when you are around.

• Always be calm and composed no matter what the situation might be, but still be energetic and dynamic, never a Goodie-two-shoes. Speak with vigor and vitality, be alive and in motion.

• Have an interesting life by adding diversity and originality to your personality, your relationships and your physical appearance. Never be boring and predicable.  Always be well groomed with a happy smile on your face. You will have an aura of fascination around you.

 Every man wants his special woman to be an exciting, feminine, interesting, imaginative, mysterious, expressively touching and magically exotic! He wants his own Geisha girl.


Example of Geisha girls

The secrets of a Geisha girl is something many people wonder about. The mystical aura around the Geisha girl has been an intriguing fascinating phenomenon for centuries. She originates from Japan and was known as a woman pleasing men.

• She is an extraordinary woman. An emotionally and financially independent woman. Never relies on any man for her well-being, has her own place to stay, her own money and her dignity.

• She is well-trained in a skill and earns her own money from producing a product, well-mannered, soft-spoken, well-educated and could fit with ease anywhere in society.

• She is ultra feminine the way she dresses and her behavior is impeccable, always cool, calm and collective with confidence, but behind closed doors I believe she can be a tiger. She is her own woman. One even married a Prince.


Commitment is a very serious matter to a man. When he does, it means he is ready to take you on as his responsibility. He makes a promise to your dad and in church.

He will not commit if he is not ready, and if you are not The One. He has to contemplate, calculate and reason with in himself to make sure before he makes that important decision. You have to respect that. Until then he plays the field and discover different personalities to make a better choice.

Animation of a Wedding couple

Women should learn from the experience to do the same instead of wanting to marry every Dick Tom and Harry she has an affair with.  Take your time, explore and meet different men too to make a better choice.

Women on the other hand sees commitment as a dream comes true and she can live ‘happily ever after’ with every man she has an affair with.

If a man does not say what she wants to hear, she will start manipulating and being demanding.  Doesn’t take the time to know or try to gain the knowledge to understand the way men behave and why.


A man and a woman deed some alone time away from each other, take a break to think and appreciate each other all over again.

Men having a good time out.

Allow him some alone time with his friends once a week and you can visit a friend or have coffee together somewhere.

Never discuss you partner or his behavior with anybody especially not your friends. That stays private. 

Come home and share your outing with your partner, make him part of you experience, but do not share a secret your friend has trusted you with.

Sharing the experience with your partner will enhance your trust and intimacy in the partnership.  It will strengthening your bond.

Why do men lie.


That is the reason why men lie to woman. When you get pushy and demanding he will say whatever it takes to keep you quiet, make you happy and say what you want to hear … but it won’t be the truth and one day he will just disappear.

Impatience and ignorance on the side of a woman causes major confusion, misunderstandings  and unhappiness.


Men are focused and always on a mission to achieve a goal. They are not emotional beings.

In his mind HIS MISSION IS VERY IMPORTANT TO HIM AND ALWAYS COMES FIRST! He would rather achieve his goal than make a commitment to a woman. Learn to respect the importance of that.

A laptop with lots of reminders means  man on a mission.


Remember if you tick all his boxes of importance he sees you as The One, you become his mission. He will change some direction to get your approval, but once he has your commitment and he is ready to commit too, it is a done deal and the goal is achieved.

Now he will move to his next goal, maybe to better himself to get an increase in salary for the benefit of you both, or he might save to buy you the house you want and start diverting his focus, giving you less and less romantic attention.

Do not misjudge this and see him as on the other side of the fence leaving you behind. You are a team and a unit, working together on the same side.

Now he needs your support and understanding. Talk about it and ask how you can help to make it easier on him to achieve that new goal for you both. Support him and be right there where he needs you.

Four cornerstones of a relationship.

The CORNERSTONES to a healthy, committed, loving, long lasting, intimate relationship are RESPECT, APPRECIATION, TRUST and  HONESTY to each other. ADORATION and DESIRE are the other two pillars supporting the intimacy behind closed doors, making it perfect.


● To a Woman love means Commitment and Romance. She wants to feel SECURE, LOVED, HAPPY and SPECIAL in a monogamist relationship. A woman wants OBSESSION, DEVOTION and INTIMACY.

  ● To a Man love means FUN TIME, SEX and EXCITEMENT with the woman of his choice. He wants to feel SAFE, HAPPY, FREE and SECURE around you. A man wants RESPECT, APPRECIATION and ADMIRATION.


● One last piece of advice, NEVER TRY TO CHANGE A MAN!

Don’t even try my dear, you are wasting valuable time.                        

He will never change,  and besides that, no one has the right to manipulate another person.   

If his behavior is not what you want it to be, never try to conform him to make it work, it is never going to happen.

It is a clear sign you are not meant to be together. The relationship will NEVER be a happy one.            

 Accept it, end the relationship without feeling guilty or pity, especially not for yourself, you are doing both of you a favor.

Move on and search till you find the one who has all you want, he is out there, you just have to find him. Do not sit back and wait for him to come.

Make a list of all the characteristics important to you, what behavior is important to you in a man and who you want him to be. 

What will your Lover, Best Friend and Hero BE like and not LOOK like. Go out and search for him. 

Try to meet as many men as possible, watch, listen and observe.

Hands of many friends one on top of the other declaring good close friendship

Never go by what a man says, it is what he does that is important. Does his words match his acts. 

Be elusive and do not become too serious too soon. Make an informed decision that will last for the rest of your life. Do it with an open mind but not open legs my love. 



 • What do I have to do to become a Mystery woman like a Geisha girl?

• How do men and women differ and what are their requirements for a happy relationship ?

 • What are the characteristics you find important in a man?


To have a successful long lasting relationship you have to pay attention to what is important to find the secret language of relationships. 

Everybody loves differently, some flourishes on spoken words other loves to touch hug and kiss, gifts does it for some and to do favors is another way to show your loved-one your love. 

It is good to pay attention, it will help you to realize and know the secret language of a happy partnership. You might have to find a way to change a few habits but it is worth it my dear.

 Your loving Gran














28 Comments on “Letter 6. The Secret Language of Relationships”

  1. Yes Stella, you’ve done it again.
    I will for sure try not to act silly and crazy because even though l am not that young, l do act silly and crazy sometimes when l get angry. I have to be calm and composed.

    Feel the Goddess you are wow!

    I have actually been fascinated by Geisha, and l always look for documentaries on the internet to learn more, they are so mysterious with their white painted faces, so fascinating.
    Another letter filled with wisdom and great advice.
    Thank you Stella.

    1. Nobody knew much about Geisha girls and they are such a great example to us women. I grew up thinking they were prostitutes. In a way maybe but their values are much higher than most high society ladies.
      We are all Goddesses, you must just feel it!
      Thank you for your great comment.

  2. Stella, this quote had me cracking up:
    “That is the reason why men lie to woman. When you get pushy and demanding he will say whatever it takes to keep you quiet, make you happy and what you want to hear … but it won’t be the truth.”

    Even as a woman, I too hate it when people are too pushy and demanding. I think those traits are sometimes necessary, especially in business, but, it should never be dominant in any one. Stella, instead of telling lies, how do you suggest we deal with pushy, demanding people?

    I pray that your granddaughter truly appreciates and takes these bits of advice as sound. I could use a grandma like you (smile).

    1. Hi Josephine thank you for your comment.

      I would say the best way to deal with demanding and pushy people men or women, is to sit back calmly an collectively, look them straight in the eye and with a smille ask them a question, any relevant question will do eg. how would you solve this problem?
      Immediately you deflate them by not jumping to their command or have fear in your eyes. You take the wind out of their steam and throw demand back at them.
      All they want is to intimmidate and dictate … a form of control.

      Hope I understood the question correct Josephine?

      Bush Lady.

  3. Hello Stella,
    I do love your article.This inspire’s me a lot.In a relationship for me is only give and take.Respect for one another,have time to each other and love.I myself and my other half are already 13 yrs of marriage and were really making it well .
    God Bless.

    1. There is so much to say about this subject Bella, I will have to do a follow up.
      Fantastic and congratulations, it is such a wonderful feeling of freedom if you have a partner who respects you and love you.
      Some of the important things that build trust is to be open and honest.
      Wishing you many years of happiness together!

  4. Dankie Stella, dis verseker jare se kennis en wysheid wat jy met ons deel! Selfs ouer mense wat al jare getroud is kan dit maar toets. Dit is n wen resep!! Kan nie wag vir jou opvolg brief nie!

    1. Hi Elmarie, weer eens baie dankie vir jou kommentaar, dit is baie inspirerend en word waardeer.
      There is so much to say about this subject and there are so many misconception that I still have so much to say.
      Nobody gives you this information when growing up.
      Take care

  5. Hello Stella, jy het ons weereens verras met jou jare se ondervinding en wysheid!
    Dit is selfs goed vir ouer getroudes om dit ook te lees.
    Kan nie wag vir jou volgende brief nie!

    1. Thank you very much for a very motivating comment, there is still much to say and I will have to do a follow up letter to cover more.
      I wrote a whole book on Relationships also in the form of letters, covering almost every aspect, only snippets made it in here.
      Kind regards

  6. Love your tips, this is probably the first ever article I read which has such an amount of useful relationship advice. I learned the hard way, as most girls our goal was to change the guy forgetting we both come from different upbringings. With time I learned to listen and act accordingly, and that no relationship continues and flourishes without respect, the most important element in any relationship.

    Love this, thank you.

    1. That is very inspiring and will motivate me to do the follow up letter thank you very much Sahar! It is sad to see how many misunderstanding there is amongst couples …. it is so unnecessary.
      … now it is first the Domestic Queen of the House ..lol

  7. Hello Stella,

    This article was very engaging. From where you take all this wisdom? I guess that it is the sound of experience. Am I right? Your granddaughter is very lucky to have you and I am sure that she reads the posts with vivid interest.

    1. Thanks Asen for a very motivating comment!
      Let’s say it is a combination of things that lead me to this, growing up with most of it, but observing is an important aspect.

  8. Beginning to see a saleable set of templates for grandparents (both sexes) to take and use as guideline to share with their grandchildren. As I reflect back on my life I wish I’d had a grandparent that had the skills to share their love as you do in your letters. Such wonderful wisdom expressed in simple language

    Think it is very commendable that you have taken the negative way a geisha was thought of when we were growing up and pointed out the truth about the geisha concept. So many misconceptions that you have brought to the forefront with these letters.

    Looking forward to the next letter and many more after that one.

    1. Barry your comment is much appreciated.
      The letters just flow from my pen or shall I rather say fingertips. No planning or prep work, it is all in my head.
      Your comments really inspire me and more letters will surely see the light.
      Thank you for being such an inspiration.

    2. Barry you know exactly how to motivate and inspire me with your comments. It strengthen me in my mission to honour the legacy of my dear parents who made this possible.
      Thanks a million.

  9. This is a very thoughtful and heart-felt letter to your granddaughter, thank you for sharing it. I was a bit surprised by the ‘man on a mission section’, especially “HIS MISSION ALWAYS COMES FIRST! Learn to respect that.”

    Do you think that a woman’s career has to take second place to her husband’s? Don’t both husbands and wives need to respect and support each other’s goals, ambitions and ‘missions’?

    1. Hi Amy
      Thank you for commenting I appreciate it.
      I think you misunderstood the context in which it is said. It is not a comparison between men and women and if they are equal or not.
      This is about the differences between men and women, the way men think and how they act. Their next goal or mission comes first in their minds because they are goal orientated and not emotional beings like women.
      It is said to make women understand how men think.
      In my world it is a fifty fifty relationship both should contribute equal to a partnership. This has nothing to do with the liberation of a women or not.
      Thank you for your time.

  10. Hi Stella. The best advice here is ‘never try to change the other person.’ So often people agree to enter into relationships when things are not great because they consider that they can manipulate and change their partner into the person that they want them to be. this is a recipe for disaster from day one!
    I also have to agree with you that we should try out different potential partners to help us grow in experience and understand more about the wants and needs of other people before settling down.
    many thanks for sharing your wisdom once again.

    1. Hi Andrew
      It is so true. To try and manipulate demand and threat is a recipe for disaster. I found out there are more than one lid to a pot. Make sure which one you would want, the glass, the cast iron or the enamel one … they all will fit or maybe no lid.
      During my young days it was not custom or should I say not done to search for a partner… I married the first boyfriend I had and are still in a monogamist marriage after 48 years.
      But times have changed and today it is important to make sure.
      Thank you for you input I appreciate it.

  11. I loved this post!! You should seriously start a class for women to get and have the love they want. You are so spot on about everything. And sadly so many women don’t get it!! If they did us women would rule the world lol!!

    I also learned a few new things I will use in my relationship… I loved the part about the ” Mans Mission” It makes a lot of sense of what is going on in my relationship right now.

    Thanks for this 🙂

    1. Hi Heidi
      So glad you could find something of use. I am planning a post for Valentines on How to keep your Man.
      Hope it will be ready in time.
      I feel women can take most of the blame for unsuccessful relationships, purely because of misunderstandings.
      You are right, woman can be more powerful by being the lesser and not always want to be right. It makes such a huge difference.
      Men and woman are so different. If you understand it you can rule the world
      Bush Lady

  12. Stella, your blog is outstanding. so that I’m going to have my daughter read it as you post more letters. The wisdom you have lovingly imprinted in each post is so generously wonderful.
    I wish I’d have had someone to teach me all these things, so I didn’t have to learn them the hard way… especially that you can’t change anyone. Well, good thing I know that now.
    Thanks for the inspiration.

    1. Hi Carmen
      Thank you very much for your inspiring comment.
      Funny enough it is when you are older that you appreciate all these learnings better because experience has taught us … but as they say we are never to old to learn change and adapt new habits .. lol
      Relationships are a very personal tricky subject but there are basics that is non negotiable for a happy ending.
      Don’t force your daughter to read, mention a few interesting points maybe applicable and let her decide by herself to read …. don’t you think?
      Thank you for your valuable comment I appreciate it !

  13. Hi Stella!

    I love this letter! It really hit home with me. Being a young mom who has been married for almost 3 years, I remember very well the ups and downs of dating and this brought me right back to it all.

    Some of the things you mentioned in this letter, I wish I had known before getting married. Don’t get me wrong I am married to the greatest man on Earth and I love him more than life itself, I just wish I had better prepared myself for him.

    I was very immature when we first met and got married, I hadn’t allowed myself to be upset and move on from past traumas like you mentioned, so I carried those emotions into our relationship and for a while, our relationship suffered. I wish I had this letter before I met him but I am so glad I found it now.

    You are so wise and I love your letters. Keep writing, I love it!

    Thank you

    1. Hi Maddie it was’t your fault not knowing, we do not get these life lessons taught when growing up and it is hard to see the clear way when it is misty with sadness and sorrow. Have no regrets it all had a purpose.
      So glad you worked your way through it all and have a happy life.
      Sometimes a girl can be so focused on getting married and forget about all the important signals to be aware of.
      Tying the knot has such a deeper meaning, having the perfect match for you makes for blissful happiness.
      Take care of him and treat him well.

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