My dear Thinette
How will I know when my relationship is toxic?
A toxic relationship is destructive and overwhelming with an undertone of resentment and unhappiness my love.
There is no respect and it always makes you feel inferior, looking up at the person, from down under. The feeling of not good enough and being the lesser is on your mind. Making you feel like a doggy at the feet of his master, begging for attention.
You will feel stuck and blocked in, can’t go anywhere and can’t grow as a person, having shame and a slave mentality.
Irwin describes a toxic person as “Anyone who is abusive, unsupportive, or unhealthy emotionally—someone who basically brings you down more than building you up. ”
What is a Toxic Relationship?
Your intuition will show you the red flags if there is no mutual respect. People’s behaviour and most of all, attitude can have a bad influence and will eventually have a devastating effect on your personality. Though someone can be attractive, loving, romantic or desirable, if there is behaviour that doesn’t match your values, please do not ignore it.
To have a healthy relationship is a blessing, and a good relationship does not happen all by itself. In contrast, it is hard work to have a happy one, my dear.
You have to give lots of thought and most of all, dedicated attention to make a relationship succeed. Be aware of bad relationship signs, listen to the little voice inside and on second thought, set yourself free. Don’t feel sorry or have regrets, it is just one of those things. Move on and find your special one.
When you are not happy as a result of bad behaviour go to your quiet corner, sit in solitude, analyze and re-think. Is this relationship worth the try, is this what I want?
Work through the unhappy moments. Is it your high expectations, very little or no common interests or most probably his lack of enthusiasm? Are you both on the same relationship level, do you have the same values and want the same in life?
Analyze what behaviour will steal your happiness, if you feel unhappy, he most probably feels the same. Never hang around to try and make it work, you are wasting precious time, my dear.
A Toxic Relationship
It is inevitable that certain events will have an effect on a relationship. Keep in mind, a new job, moving house or town or death in the family will always have an influence on a relationship. If it is not the case you have to look at the different behaviours and why is it happening.
What is a Toxic Relationship
All relationships go through a testing period, a maze of trial and error with some heavenly highlights. Take your time, above all do not commit too soon. Give it space, consequently, take a back seat and let the relationship simmer. All the harming differences will surface with time.
There is a saying, you as an individual, are a whole person. Living your life in a full circle, thus, your comfort zone, within which you function. You have your known pattern and lifestyle, it is the same for everybody.
The moment you meet someone special, you tend to break that circle of habits to adapt to the new situation and accommodate new behaviour. It is during this period you both try and put your best foot forward forming a unique new combined circle.
Now is the time to take it slow. With time it will show if there will be a possibility to be happy together or not. It will only happen in the period after the excitement is over and all turns to normal.
Trying to force the circle’s ends to line up and meet perfectly is a big mistake, because, if this new circle is under pressure it will crack. Differences and unhappiness occur, and as a result, both will go back to their original pattern of behaviour if the commitment was too soon.
Make sure to have a new combined circle of precious gems of behaviour, before you commit.
You have to be aware of the next examples of signs which will be the cause of toxic behaviour, most probably resulting in unhappiness you should recognize it and avoid.
Unhappy Relationships Signs
- Domination. One person wants to rule and run every situation in a relationship, making the other partner feeling trapped and powerless. Never put a collar around your neck and hand the leash to the other person. In a healthy relationship, everything is done equally. It is a 50/50 union, making both feel free and strengthen the power of the relationship.
- Dependency. Never depend on your partner, or make him feel responsible for all that is happening in your life. It is a very bad idea. You can never expect him to be responsible for your happiness, even more, it places such a burden on the relationship. Get up, and get a life of your own!
- Never be a liability. Become financially independent, earn your own money to spend as you wish. Have your own friends and activities, making your life interesting and fun. Be happy and worthy as a full partner in a relationship.
What is a Toxic Relationship?
- Blaming. When his or her past bad behaviour is used to justify righteousness in a present situation is not so good. Using mistakes from the past and “I told you so” is part of the manipulation, having a negative effect. If you do not acknowledge the past with its mistakes then you do not accept the person.
- Don’t manipulate your partner in any way. That is the reason why you should take time and look for similarities and same interests. You are not flawless either.
- Old Baggage. Be ready before you go into the next relationship. Everybody deserves a fresh new start. Clear your heart and your mind. Do not drag old baggage with bad memories and resentment into a new relationship.
- Take time to work through the past, take what you can learn from it and get rid of the rest. Let bygones drift under the bridge.You have to heal yourself first before embarking on a new relationship. Be a new YOU when meeting your new friend.
Lies Lies Lies. When a person lies it is the worst that can happen in a relationship. With lies, a person wants to hide something. Trust is one of the four important cornerstones of a happy and healthy relationship.
When someone is lied to, it takes time and willingness to restore the trust. Trust me, a lie has always the tendency, to surface at the worst moment you can imagine. It will surface, mostly with a slip of the tongue.
If you find a person is lying to you, speak up and let them know you know it is not true. It is another form of manipulation and brainwashing.
Forgiveness and reconciliation can not start until the truth is spoken.
IF YOU TELL THE TRUTH YOU NEVER HAVE TO REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID
- Lack of Forgiveness. Lack of forgiveness and lack of willingness to rebuild trust is a sign of resentment. Many long term relationships suffer from broken trust at some point.
It is essential to know it can be repaired, both partners have to be willing though. It is a mutual effort with hard work to restore trust. Find a new set of rules for behaviour and stick to it, it is a painful process to lay a new foundation to build trust on.
- Passive Aggression. What is passive aggression? This behaviour is described as a non-verbal negative quiet way to express anger. Instead of communicating and discussing a problem, the person normally becomes sarcastic and find ways to sting a partner as punishment until they ultimately get the attention they demand.
Normally this happens when a partner feels insecure to discuss an issue openly. In a discussion make sure one partner does not get the blame. Being held responsible or feel obliged to any ideas or opinions expressing by the other will most definitely have a negative effect. There must be a feeling of frankness to speak their mind in a mature way, therefore come to a compromise.
Emotional Blackmail. A partner normally does this to manipulate. They want you to act against your will to suit their needs. To avoid the penalty they impose on you, with the result, you will give in to let them have their way. There should be a safe platform built into the relationship to prevent this and to solve any differences, manipulation is not the way.
- No Time for Your Relationship. Spending time together is the backbone of every relationship. If it is neglected the relationship will eventually fall apart.
- If he is forever out with his friends or a workaholic and never has time for you, could spell disaster. On the other hand, you keep too busy with the kids and do not give him any attention or love, it is a recipe for failure.
- Being yourself is not possible in their presence. You have no confidence and feel uncomfortable, therefore, never been able to speak your mind. Not being accepted for who you are. In the end, the rift gets bigger.
- Self Centered Partner. Everything is just about them, their belongings and their ways. There is no space for anything else. Being single-minded is a very selfish characteristic and definitely not a game player.
- Being Right All the Time. Only his or her ideas and suggestions count, your ideas always get overruled. When your partner mocks you, puts you down as not good enough, never doing anything right is also a form of manipulation. Name-calling and belittling you. It makes you feel inferior and incompetent.
- None of your talents or achievements gets recognized, it only receives a negative criticism. You are not free to improve or develop your qualities as a person.
- No encouragement or support consequently, only disbelieve and mockery with all your attempts to get an independent individual. Preventing you from gaining your independence is a deal-breaker.
- No good Memories. It is hard to enjoy happy and good moments with your partner. It probably feels like a chore and a challenge, because their controlling ways becomes unbearable.
Guidance with Granny What is a Toxic Relationship
The Deal Breakers
- An Abusive Partner and Alcohol. This is a tough one my darling and one I hope you will never come across an abusive alcoholic or most of all a drug abuse partner. You get a mental or psychological and a physical abuser.
- Some of the mental or psychological abuse characteristics are already mentioned above, but, the physical abuser can be a killer. He does not make threats only, as a matter of fact, he goes into action.
- Whenever he gets opposed he wants to destroy everyone and everything in his way, and normally does, saying afterwards he can’t remember. It is not worth staying in such a relationship my dear.
- Emotional blackmailer. He will threaten suicide and all kinds of devastating actions. Don’t listen, my dear just get away safely and never look or go back.
- He will tell you and with promises, it will never happen again and want you to believe him. Make me a promise, my dear, you will never go back again. Rather disappear, change your name, address and country.
- Not being Honest and Stealing. When you find he has a habit of not telling the truth and stealing, without a doubt, my dear, pack your bags and go. A white-collar fraud and crime might be hiding somewhere along the line. Someone who steals on any level is a weak person and does not deserve you. He will never change and will also make promises and promises, but it stays “NO DEAL”
The characteristics of a relationship are so dynamic it sometimes blows your mind. There are many aspects, in addition, to take into consideration to be happy. You can see it takes time to really learn to know a person and his true character.
It is not an overnight starry-eyed instant happening, there are consequently too much at stake. Making sure to find true happiness. You have to find someone with the same value system as you, my dear. I cannot underline it enough, my dear, take your time, because it is of the essence.
Do you know people who have some of these bad relationship signs in your group of friends? Recognize and set yourself free when you spot these bad toxic signs, it causes conflict in any relationship? Open your eyes and be aware, most of all, who and what that person really is. It will save you lots of heartaches if you can recognise the red flags. You deserve a happy relationship, my dear,
Stay alert, know who your ‘enemy’ is and consequently steer away from them.
A relationship is a living working entity on two legs. It requires dedication and quality time spent together on a regular basis. For a relationship to flourish you both have to nourish it with lots of tender loving care. A very important fact is to spend time together every week.
Set one romantic night apart from your schedule and dedicate the time to each other.
The best advice is to do something special for your partner every day, best of all make it an act of surprise.
Remember the 50/50 rule, in a relationship, everything involves 50/50, in other words, share everything you do and is on an equal foot.
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