Letter 12 What is Healthy Relationships.

Dear Thinette

Are you Lovable?

How much compassion do you have? Can you imagine how the other person might feel? These are all personality trends that have an influence on your behavior, making you more lovable or not. To be self centered is not part of these behaviors.

Since I can remember I was interested in people’s behavior and why it is. I had many daydreams of a loving partner, loving me, holding me as we talk.Later on when sitting at a restaurant looking at people walking by, I never notice what clothes, hairstyle or shoes they have, but their facial expression and how they behave got my attention. Immediately I get the picture, they either fall in the happy category or the unsatisfied group. They feel unsatisfied and wonder what is healthy relationship? Are there tips for a good relationship?

I have seen happy glowing couples holding hands talking and laughing with joy down the street or the disconnected two individuals strolling apart, one after to other each with his own thoughts. Normally Mom is handling the kids and hubby gazing at all behind her,  that says it all, he might not even have a wedding ring.

My wish for you is to fall into first category my dear, understand the dynamics of a relationship and how to keep the magic and joy alive. By watching, you learn a lot.

 Tips for a Good Relationship.

A lush green flowering climber

A relationship is a living growing entity, and can be compared to a plant. Giving it water, daily attention, pruning and getting rid of dead leaves, giving it growth stimulants, you will have a healthy, vibrant, lush, flowering, plant winding all around you. It is imperative for you to know the 5 languages of love my dear.

A prickly cactus desert plant.

On to other hand if you ignore and neglect and never water the plant, you will soon have an untouchable prickly cactus full of thorns. You have to decide which option will it be. A selfish partner will ignore and neglect and only follow his or her own desires.  Though it is a heartwarming surprise to see the overnight change from desert plant to a tropical winding creeper with just a little extra attention.

What should I do?

  • Choose your partner wisely. We are attracted to all different kinds of people for different reasons. The best is to write down the core believes important to you. It could be a number of things you would want him to be. Look at his personality, values, generosity of spirit, the correlation between his words and his actions, the interaction with family and friends, but most importantly how do his friends value him.

  • Know your partner’s believes about a relationship. People have conflicting ideas. One partner might not be ready yet and still wants to fool around while the other is ready for commitment. It is important to be on the same level and feels the same. Go around and discover many different personalities, as I have said before with an open mind and not open legs. If you are ready to commit do not directly talk-the-talk about commitment. A man gets nervous if you start talk about commitment when he is not ready.

  • If you really want to know, ask indirectly during a conversation to get your answer. Make this statement with a question, ‘ I am at the point in my life where I am ready for a longtime committed relationship, what are your opinion, how do you feel about it, be honest”,  let him give his opinion and listen carefully. You can reply “If you are not ready yet I understand but I think we should end this close relationship and just be friends.”  You might not be the One for him but he enjoys your company. Take your time don’t be in a hurry and want to marry every man you have a relationship with. Enjoy the journey of discovery.

  • RESPECT RESPECT RESPECT in any relationship is the most important binding factor, love. Act in such a way that you will earn respect. When faced with a difficult situation in public, face it together as a united front. You might differ but leave that till you are home and then discuss it in private. Mutual respect is necessary. Be this formidable Team. United we stand!

  • When you observe a change of behavior in your partner, ask in a loving way, why is it happening and what is the cause. Listen to the explanation, not saying a word, have an open mind and never assume or accuse, find a solution together.

  • Good communication always prevents misunderstandings. Never be a tit for tat game player.

  • Man and woman arguing.

  • Know how to manage your differences my dear, it is essential in any relationship. Disagreements do not sink a relationship, but name-calling and playing the silent game do. Learn how to handle negative thoughts and feelings which are unavoidable by-products of any difference you will have. Do not avoid or ignore disagreements, manage it in a calm and mature way as soon as it happens, never let it simmer and brew to a toxic mix. Each couple should find their own way to solve a problem, you may want to sit legs crossed on the bed facing each other holding hands discussing it.

  • Learn to negotiate as equal partners. Modern relationships do not rely on submissive roles by culture. All is shared equally. Some situations, if the family grows, might need an update from time to time.

  • Know what you want and kindly tell him in a neutral logic loving way, and be true to yourself. Never camouflage your needs or live a lie. It will lead to misunderstandings resentment and unhappiness. A relationship is not a guessing game, he can’t read your mind. Be open and honest.

  • LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN. Do this with an open, empty mind without judgement. Sometimes just being a good listener is all that is needed to solve to problem. Be mature enough and see the problem for what it is from both side to keep perspective and balance. Do not be over sensitive or take it personal. A bad day is just a bad day. It is what it is and not anybody’s fault on purpose.

  • Being honest and sincere create closeness and intimacy, but it takes two to make it happen.

  • Couple sitting arms around each other quiet intimately on a bench.
  • A good relationship is not the end to your goal, it is only the beginning of an ongoing loving process that will grow.

  • Discuss what your future will look like together, even before you make your final commitment. Commitment and marriage is a long term togetherness. Discuss your dreams and goals with each other and make sure you are both on the same road to the same destination.

Couple sitting in a restaurant in deep discussion over a cup of tea.

  • Never go to bed upset with a disagreement hanging over your heads. Communicate and try a little forgiving tenderness, remember you love him not hate him my dear. You do not always have to be right, there is a term that says Compromise.

  • Not every problem should need a Talk-A-Thon as a solution. When it is needed find a specific time and place to solve your problems, never make it part of your everyday life. When a problem occurs put it in a box for later discussion and be normal the rest of the day. Find a specific time and place together to open the box and solve the problems by discussing it in a mature manner. Having a box with a slot you can jot down your problem and slide it thru the slot, to be discussed once a week.  An activity like a hiking trip together might be all that is needed to solve the problem.

  • Take good care of yourself. Maintain self-respect and self-esteem. Love yourself and have confidence. There is never a reason for you to neglect yourself or become sloppy and lazy.

  • Couple having fun riding a bicycle
  • Stay physically attractive, be the one he fell in love with. Find your own style and do not become a slave of fashion. Stay mentally happy, happy and positive when around him, be the sunshine in his life. Never feel and look as you have been dragged through to ditch. Look your best and ready to enchant him when he comes home from work.

  • APOLOGISE APOLOGISE APOLOGISE. Everybody makes mistakes, but not every one will make an attempt to repair stability. Willingness to make-up after a disagreement is central to every long term relationship. Find a loving unique way to deal with it, but never play the silent game it is childlike, be creative. A couple never have arguments it is only disagreements.

  • Couple sitting back to back in silence and disagreement
  • Be never a needy partner, which means you are dependant on him to make you happy, give you money, entertain you and do things for you. Do not lean on him for all your excitement and needs. You drain all to joy and energy from the relationship. Your partner will feel resentment and you become a burden in his mind, and it will definitely will ruin a relationship. Everything in a relationship is 50/50.

  • Having a few interests and activities outside the relationship is important. A sport or a hobby of your own, and he have the same is a good thing. Support each other but have your own. Stay fit and healthy, maintain your energy and zest for life. Keep and open mind and be spontaneous. Fun and surprises are sexy and exciting.

  • Don’t confuse sex with love, especially early on in a relationship. Attraction and lust is not long lasting love my dear. Love comes from the core deep down and is not an easy surface feeling.

  • Be aware of the needs of your partner.

These are all qualities of a good relationship my dear

Love at First sight

What do I think? There is not really such thing as love at a first sight. Yes you are immediately on cloud nine, you might both feel attracted to each other from the moment you met and only have eyes and butterflies for each other.

He or she might be the person to be, The One, but only after you learned to know the person better. Your subconscious mind approves of him, he or she can end up as your dream partner, but it will take awhile. Often time proves otherwise, be cautious never to go head over heels with your decisions my dear.

Can I tell you something Thinette, there are more than one soulmate for you in life, it all depends in which stage of life you go looking for him.

Search till you fine The One, at the right time. One that will last till the end, it is possible, just be patient, be ready and take your time.

Couple in bed cuddling and talking.

A long lasting relationship is more than just sex. Lustful sex is good but love making and pillow talk is so much better. Sex is easy but intimacy is more difficult. There has to be a connection of goodwill and compromise from both sides. Cuddling and talking afterwards is so important. This is the moment a man is the most acceptable to closeness, emotions and intimacy.

No one is a super human being … but you can try!

  • Get up every morning, breath in deep and stretch high, smile with joy and a zest for life … no matter what!

  • Decide to give no one permission to steal your joy, not today, not tomorrow not ever!

What is healthy relationship? The best tips for a good relationship is, find a person that mirrors your values and believes. Be on the same side, always a team. It will secure a very happy and healthy relationship.

Have a happy social life my darling.

Your loving Gran


6 Comments on “Letter 12 What is Healthy Relationships.”

  1. Wow Stella, what an amazing advice. I wish someone had told me this when I started dating my husband, since he is the first and only man in my life. So I had no experience. Being married to him was a challenge at first but I thank God for His guidance. Now I can’t imagine live without my husband. I’ll take the advice on argument and on not being so needy. He wants to do everything for me but I need to find a way to do more and ask him to let me do more for him. Thank you so much Stella!

    1. Hi Rachel
      That is the reason for this site.
      None of us ever got the guidance one should have to make the better choice.
      So glad you could get something to take away from the site.
      I appreciate your comment.

  2. Wow Stella, this is really grandma’s thing to her granddaughter. I love the relationship advice, respect for each other, listening to each other, no game playing, honesty is very vital in relationship because if lie to someone and someday he or she finds out the truth, no matter how small the lie it could ruin a relationship especially at the beginning when the two are still getting to know each other. Treating each other as equal is very important in relationship because that tells your partner the kind of person you are and how you feel about him or her.
    A question for you, you mentioned about the man not wearing a ring, what does it imply if a married man refuses to wear his wedding ring?

    1. Hi Ginao
      Thank you for a very inspiring comment.
      Relationships are so much more that just romance.
      To answer your question … in my opinion if a man refuses to wear his wedding band and there is no reason why he could not wear it, it spells his unwillingness to be really truly be serious and committed, it looks as if he is leaving the backdoor open.

  3. What a wealth of good advice here Stella. You just speak from experience I am sure and learned your lessons throughout your life.

    I am going through a tough relationship issue with my wife that unfortunately raised its ugly head on Valentines Day of all times. But I will go through it using some of the advice you provided.

    Thank you for your website. It reaches out to more people you will every know.

    1. Hi Edwin
      So sorry to hear of your tough times. Hope it will go the way you want and plan it to go.
      This week I have a letter out on bad habits leading to Toxic relationships. You might want to read it?
      PM me if you need a soundboard to get it off your heart and I hope to have some info that can help.
      Thank you for sharing I appreciate your comment.

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